Excuses

I’ve talked about previously that in order for a victim of domestic violence to finally leave for good she typically has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, when does that moment finally come? What does that look like?

For me what finally made me leave for good was noticing the excuses.

Every time we got back together I always pardoned him of all his mistakes. He was good at making me realize that it was all a mistake, and I believed him. I accepted the excuses.

At first the excuse was that we were in high school and we were young and dumb. Immature.

Then after high school the excuse was that we were only 19 and 20. We’re still babies. We’re in college and we’re just barely experiencing what its like to have a grown up relationship in a grown up world.

After that the excuses began more and more difficult to come up with. The physical abuse had mostly stopped so it was tricky to truly identify the issue in our relationship. I didn’t know how to categorize my unhappiness. Was it because of this or because of that? All I knew was that what I was going through couldn’t be healthy. I knew that I just couldn’t take it any more.

Then I began doing something I never did before. I began having the courage to speak. I would speak to my friends about some of the things that were going on.

I was so surprised at how my friends were reacting to my stories. One friend in particular said, “I can’t believe he is that type of guy, he seemed so sweet.” My first reaction was to defend him and clean up the mess I just made on his image. But later on in the day I just couldn’t get the conversation out of my head. I was thinking over and over about how my friend didn’t give him an excuse. He simply stated what was the clear truth: He was not a good person. How is it that I’ve been giving him a pass all these years and the minute I tell someone of one tiny thing he didn’t give him not even a little excuse?

I began to get bolder and braver. I began to speak up more. I told another friend. She also instantly didn’t give him any excuse at all. In fact, she told me to leave him instantly. I will never forget that night. That night gave me a power like I’ve never felt. Because of her, I knew what I had to do.

After that I again began to look for an excuse. This time the excuse was different. This excuse was my way out. I began looking for any motive to cut it off. Eventually, I became so sick and tired that I had enough ammo in me to say everything I’ve ever wanted to say.

I had finally did it. The excuses didn’t overpower me anymore. I no longer cared of what people thought about me. And I definitely didn’t care of what he thought of me. I had finally been able to see what everyone else was seeing. Opening up to others and sharing my experiences allowed me to understand what was happening. Everyone else saw things one way, but I had been giving everything so many excuses that I couldn’t even see what was right in front of me.

Today I live with freedom and relief. I no longer live with the burden of covering up the horror and the pain. I don’t have to come up with yet another excuse or justify anyone’s actions.

When the Lord saves you from your pain you are set free. I pray that each and every one of you is set free from your current pain or situation. It is so exhausting to have to hold it all in and create an excuse every single time. I pray that you learn to let it all go. You will be set free.

#ForeverFighter

Love,

Melissa

Advertisements

Healing

 

Healing

I believe healing comes in stages. And you heal differently at different points in your life.

When I first left my abuser I felt an immense amount of relief. I remember telling my counselor, “I’m good!”. As if I didn’t just endure six years of pain, I felt ready to start a new life not truly understanding the pain that I had tucked away and locked up with a key. In my eyes I was healed. Just by simply letting go and leaving him, I was healed.

Fast forward a year later I was “healing” by being involved with men that God never intended me to be with. When you end such a heavy period in your life, specifically a relationship, your way of forgetting isn’t always the neatest or prettiest. You still feel broken and used. Icky. That I only deserved what’s damaged and tattered. That’s how I lived my life. At some point the Lord stopped me and asked me why. Why was I living that way? Why was I treating myself that way? He reminded me that I was a daughter of a mighty King, and that I needed to treat myself as such. He reminded me that my past is forgotten. I don’t have to be defined by that anymore. When I accepted Him my pain was let go. My mistakes were forgiven, and my old life was in the past. I now have a new life.

Even after reconnecting with the Lord and healing from that point in my life, I found myself at another low point. These low points come and go. It took me maturing a bit and letting time pass to really start to fully understand my past and what I went through. Getting familiar with the bible and understanding the kind of love that God wants us to have, and what a relationship blessed by Him looks like is when I began to realize more and more of what I experienced. More and more I understood that my experiences were not ok. I finally could see the seriousness in it all. Because of this I began feeling the pain all over again. I was angry and hurt. The flashbacks from the past became more frequent. I remember so many times crying myself to sleep at night. I had never before felt so strongly these emotions of the abuse. This was three years after leaving him, and yet I was just then going through the grieving process.

One Sunday morning at church we had the opportunity to approach the alter for a specific need in our life. I will never forget how my dear friend prayed for me and my pain. I could feel the peace fill my body. My burden was off my shoulders. Ever since that moment I have felt this enormous amount of peace that I have never felt before about the abuse. I haven’t cried myself to sleep since. Yes the thoughts are all still there, but I am no longer plagued by fear and hurt. I am free.

I know that I will go through another stage in my life where I will need to heal all over again. These are all stages. It is never fully over. Every day is a struggle, and as you mature and grow and change, you will need to readjust your thinking from your past. There will be another battle that you may have not had to come across yet.

Today I pray for your healing. That the Lord mends your broken heart. That you first seek comfort in Him and not other worldly things. Please know that nothing else in the world could ever take away your pain like Jesus can. He is the one true healer!

Take these lyrics from “Raised to Life” by Elevation Worship: “Sin is strong, but Jesus is stronger. Our shame was great, but Jesus You’re greater!”

No matter our past, our God is greater than anything you’ve ever been through. Keep fighting.

Love,

Melissa