I’ve talked about previously that in order for a victim of domestic violence to finally leave for good she typically has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, when does that moment finally come? What does that look like?
For me what finally made me leave for good was noticing the excuses.
Every time we got back together I always pardoned him of all his mistakes. He was good at making me realize that it was all a mistake, and I believed him. I accepted the excuses.
At first the excuse was that we were in high school and we were young and dumb. Immature.
Then after high school the excuse was that we were only 19 and 20. We’re still babies. We’re in college and we’re just barely experiencing what its like to have a grown up relationship in a grown up world.
After that the excuses began more and more difficult to come up with. The physical abuse had mostly stopped so it was tricky to truly identify the issue in our relationship. I didn’t know how to categorize my unhappiness. Was it because of this or because of that? All I knew was that what I was going through couldn’t be healthy. I knew that I just couldn’t take it any more.
Then I began doing something I never did before. I began having the courage to speak. I would speak to my friends about some of the things that were going on.
I was so surprised at how my friends were reacting to my stories. One friend in particular said, “I can’t believe he is that type of guy, he seemed so sweet.” My first reaction was to defend him and clean up the mess I just made on his image. But later on in the day I just couldn’t get the conversation out of my head. I was thinking over and over about how my friend didn’t give him an excuse. He simply stated what was the clear truth: He was not a good person. How is it that I’ve been giving him a pass all these years and the minute I tell someone of one tiny thing he didn’t give him not even a little excuse?
I began to get bolder and braver. I began to speak up more. I told another friend. She also instantly didn’t give him any excuse at all. In fact, she told me to leave him instantly. I will never forget that night. That night gave me a power like I’ve never felt. Because of her, I knew what I had to do.
After that I again began to look for an excuse. This time the excuse was different. This excuse was my way out. I began looking for any motive to cut it off. Eventually, I became so sick and tired that I had enough ammo in me to say everything I’ve ever wanted to say.
I had finally did it. The excuses didn’t overpower me anymore. I no longer cared of what people thought about me. And I definitely didn’t care of what he thought of me. I had finally been able to see what everyone else was seeing. Opening up to others and sharing my experiences allowed me to understand what was happening. Everyone else saw things one way, but I had been giving everything so many excuses that I couldn’t even see what was right in front of me.
Today I live with freedom and relief. I no longer live with the burden of covering up the horror and the pain. I don’t have to come up with yet another excuse or justify anyone’s actions.
When the Lord saves you from your pain you are set free. I pray that each and every one of you is set free from your current pain or situation. It is so exhausting to have to hold it all in and create an excuse every single time. I pray that you learn to let it all go. You will be set free.