The Moment

You’ve probably had moments in your life where you realize that your life will forever be changed. Some are beautiful moments like finding out you will be a parent, or the moment you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with your significant other. Other moments are not so pleasant, but equally life-changing. One moment I’ve had was definitely life-changing to say the least.

The moment I knew that from here on out I would be different was the first of many dark days for me. When my whole life came crashing down and I needed the Lord more than ever before.

So we were having one of our typical arguments. It was an argument just like all the others. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing alarming. At least not at first. To this day I still do not remember what sparked the argument. All I know is that it escalated QUICKLY. It was silly really. I remember telling him to get out and to give me his key back. I had allowed him to make a copy of my key so that he could come in and out whenever he liked (BIG mistake!). When he wouldn’t give me his key I reached over to grab them from him, and to prevent me from doing so he reached over and put all his weight into punching me in the foot. Like who does that?! Anyway, after attempting to defend myself from his punches, he got up, stood right in front of me and pushed me as hard as he possibly could. Now for those of you who didn’t know him, let’s just say he was waaay bigger than I am. When a man of that size throws a petite woman across the room, it hurts. It hurts big time. I flew to the kitchen, my arm hitting the dining room chair, and me landing bottom first onto the kitchen tile. The fall fractured my tailbone.

That was my moment.

Laying there on the kitchen floor, crying so hard, in so much pain, in so much disbelief. That was the moment I knew I was different.  For the rest of my life I will now be included in a statistic. I was THAT girl. I had just become another girl whose boyfriend hits her. All of that was the least of my worries, but in that moment I knew my life was changed. A million things ran through my mind as the whole world closed around me. The whole world seemed to have stopped and everything around me grew dark. Everything was fine 30 minutes ago. I didn’t understand how we came to that moment? How could he have just told me he loved me then do this? How could the one person who was supposed to protect and honor you betray you in the most horrible manner? How could love equate to this? Time seemed to have stood still, and my heart was completely shattered, along with my tailbone.

Now there’s no need to tell you how much he apologized and how much I was screaming, and blah blah blah. It was a worthless apology since more of those moments were to come in later years.

The aftermath of that moment was just as grueling. I remember having to keep my pain hidden. Nobody knew what happened. I lied to the doctor about what really happened. I lied to some of my coworkers about why I had to take time off. I lied to my family by smiling through the beautiful moments when we celebrated my younger sister’s birthday and celebrating my older sister’s pregnancy. Although life continued around me, and I was happy for others in their happy times, I was walking around with a cloud over my head. Feeling like a zombie and just walking through life because I was still in so much pain physically and emotionally.

These ugly, icky, disturbing moments are what some of us live with day after day. There are some people who have yet to catch a break from the icky-ness. For those of you who may presently be in your own lying on the kitchen floor moment, I want to tell you to give it all to the Lord. Just let it all go. His healing is stronger than any medicine the doctor can give you. His embrace is warmer than any hug you’ve ever felt. His grace takes all your pain away. He erases your past and gives you a new future. You no longer have to be defined by your moment! Your moment is a part of your testimony, yet it does not define you! There is healing in the power of Jesus, but first you have to call out to Him. He is waiting for you and wants nothing more than to tell you, “I got you. You don’t have to worry anymore”. He wants to love you.

And for others, reach out to those who you think may be going through their moments. There are more out there than you think. A simple “how are you doing” will reveal so much. Reach out to your friends. They need you. And they need your prayers.

Lastly, I leave you with these lyrics that was playing over and over as I wrote this…”You are stronger, You are stronger. Sin is broken. You have saved me. It is written Christ is risen. Jesus You are Lord of all!”

Here are the full lyrics:

I love you, and keep fighting. #ForeverFighters




The Promise

When I tell you the Lord has saved me….the Lord has really SAVED me! Multiple and multiple times. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like this before, but at one point in my life I felt like “how many more times is the Lord gonna save me?!?”. How much more will it take for me to get it? The moment that I felt like that was the day after I left him. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was really done that time. I thought why in the heck did it take six years to really be done? I looked back over the last years and I suddenly could piece together all these little moments that God tried to save me and tried to take me out of that situation, but I never listened to Him. I remember times I was begging on my knees and praying so hard for God to show me a sign of what I was supposed to do, and He would show me a CLEAR FREAKIN SIGN, yet I did nothing! If He were any other person I’m sure He would have given up on me. One time in particular was CLEAR AS DAY, yet I did not budge.

I remember it was just a few days before Christmas and I was so sick! I stayed home from school and work and he came over to bring me some soup (how sweet! NOT!). We fell asleep on my bed. I woke up before he did and I suddenly got this weird urge to look at his phone. I never really felt like I should look through his phone before then, but I swear to you that it was like everything in the room was dark except for a huge light shining on his phone! If that isn’t a hint I don’t know what is!!!! So I began to look through his phone and it was no bueno. He was clearly cheating on me. Really? Before Christmas? While I’m sitting here sick as a dog?! So we broke up for like a week then got back together. Now I’m sitting here picturing God rolling his eyes and thinking “Is she STUPID?!”. But I don’t think God talks like that about us….I hope.

So anyway, after I left him for good I was thinking back onto all my other moments I’ve had similar to the light shining on the phone moment, and I was balling out of control. Tears of gratefulness. Tears of shame and stupidity. But mostly tears of JOY! Joyful that my Lord is so merciful, and loving. Every mistake you’ve made is stripped off of you when you come back to Him. In that moment I made the biggest promise of my life. Bigger than a wedding vow. I promised Him that I would NEVER ever disobey Him again. That I would be wise in my decisions and follow every sign that we would throw my way. Because years of pain and shame could have been reduced if only I would have obeyed. If only I would have been brave enough to LEAVE! Now I know that my promise is dang near impossible since we are all human and I will fall short DAILY, however from that day on God and I have an understanding. Him and I are like this *holds up and crosses two fingers*. He knows how grateful I am of his mercy. Every day when I experience His love I am reminded of what love DOES NOT look like and how he saved me from that darkness. For that I am eternally grateful. And my whole life will be given to serve the Lord. I pray that each of you have “an understanding” with God and that you find comfort in his everlasting love! #LoveDoesntHurt #ForeverFighters



For the ForeverFighters

As I sit here facing the computer and the keyboard I immediately feel insecure. Insecure about my first post, my first blog ever! Its such a huge deal to me, so the very first blog must be perfect! Then I think, “But what exactly in my life or in anyone’s life has ever been perfect?”. And then I think, “That is exactly what my blog is about!” It is about the imperfections of life, the mess we get ourselves into, and the times when we have to just FIGHT! ForeverFighters. That’s what we are.

I’d like to introduce you to my blog! Yay! As mentioned above, my blog is about trials and tribulations, moments of doubt, moments of breakthrough, moments where the Lord has had to rescue me, and hopefully words that will encourage or rescue you as well. In order to understand why I feel the need to share, I need to explain a bit of who I am and what has led me to this moment. Just like everyone else, I have dealt with my share of battles. One battle in particular I have not shared with many people. As I sit here and type this, my eyes fill with tears because I know I am about to pour my soul to the world. For six years I was in an abusive relationship. Mentally and physically. It took years for me to realize that I was even in it, and it has taken years to glue only a tiny piece of myself back together. Once you experience that, it almost feels like you can never fully break away from it, and a little bit at a time you feel like you are slowly healing. I don’t feel as if you can ever truly heal from that, just as you never truly heal from a loved one passing. A bit of the pain is always there. My journey of healing has been an interesting one since I sort of self-healed (which I don’t recommend). Like I said, I didn’t even understand what I was experiencing at first. It probably wasn’t until about two years after getting myself out that I even began to understand what domestic violence is and what exactly is “abuse”. I still don’t understand it. The label sucks. The word victim makes me cringe. And remembering some of the worser times (yes I said “worser”!) makes me cry myself to sleep. As you can tell, my journey of healing has been painful and confusing, but it is my story. And what I have learned over the years is that more people should tell their story! I need to tell my story. I can’t even begin to think of how many women might be going through what I went through and that need to hear this. If my blog impacts just one person’s life then it has fulfilled its purpose and I will be happy. From this blog I hope to bring awareness, I hope to unite women (and men) together for a cause, I hope to inspire, and I hope to help bring people closer to Christ. We can all learn something from each other. When life is tough and when we need a word of encouragement we should be the ones uplifting each other. Every day is a constant battle. Sometimes the battle is just simply “what the heck am I going to wear today?!??”, yet other times the battle is putting a smile on your face when all you want to do is cry. We’ve all been there. The fact that we press on means we are FIGHTERS! The fact that we’ve won the fight makes us warriors! Tomorrow there will be another fight, so just keep fighting. We’re ForeverFighters.

P.S: Ok that was cheesy, but whatever! Hashtag ForeverFighters! 😉